There we were, seated in a circle in a workshop setting, late afternoon light angling through the windows. One participant asked about how to best help someone in her life who, in her opinion, had an annoying and problematic behavior.

Never will I forget the power of Erlina’s response. Erlina, a dear co-facilitator, was seated across the circle from me, strong and grounded in her 5-foot frame. She waited a beat, then leaned forward a little and half-whispered, “You do your own work.” Then, she dropped her gaze, squared her feet on the block that brought the floor up to her, and leaned back. Silence.

The moment was ripe for that reminder, and heads nodded around the circle.

I’m starting to see that the moment is always ripe for this reminder. About a year ago, someone gave me a gift by sharing their perception that I was projecting a lot, not highly aware of what was mine to work. Painful to hear, yet so useful. More often now, when I find myself thinking about how a person or a circumstance in my life could be more to my liking, I remember to turn my gaze inward.

I’ve been working on my ability to speak unarguably—meaning I express what’s true for me. I pay close attention to my body sensations (like a tight throat, or softness across my chest), emotions I’m feeling in the moment, and thoughts arising. (See links below for resources.)

Besides helping me stay tuned to what is mine, speaking unarguably builds my inner observer, the “Self” that witnesses with compassion and curiosity, not judgement. Strengthening my inner observer helps me see more clearly. And since I can only work with what I can see, witnessing is crucial for my development.

Here’s a concrete example:

The coursework related to death and dying that I began in February was intense. Two months in, I was overwhelmed. I was blame-throwing “out there,” judging the instructors for moving too fast and providing so much material to take in. I was playing all the parts on the drama triangle: victim, villain, and hero.

Fortunately, I noticed. I turned my investigation inward. I realized that an old familiar tension had started to reappear in my left scapula, a particular spot I have worked with for years and now know to associate with “doubt.” I identified overwhelm as a flavor of fear, and I was able to pick up on grief too, lurking underneath. The thought that kept popping was, “I’m not ready for more.”

So, I hit the pause button at the midpoint of the course.

There is much for me to process from the first two months, which focused on befriending death by considering what I want for my own end of life experience—if indeed that is something I get to weigh in on. (Wow - it has been powerful to note the privilege in this possibility.) I needed more time to learn new content, reflect on my shifting values and beliefs, and document everything.

I’m in the pause now, and it feels good to honor my need for integration. Barreling forward toward a fictional finish line is a good example of a pattern I’ve chosen to shift, now that I can see it more clearly. I’m getting better at knowing when to pause, and then actually following through! In addition, my attitude toward the course itself and the instructors swung to one of gratitude rather than critique.

There’s no shortage of opportunity to blame-throw “out there,” whether thinking about others in our lives or global events. And, I believe that by taking Erlina’s wise advice—to do your own work, whatever it is—we become increasingly able to hold the volatility, complexity, unpredictability, and ambiguity of this time.

Do Your Own Work

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