Finding the YES under NO

Many of us express a desire to get better at saying No.

We associate saying no with developing healthy boundaries, tending to our own desires, and being able to withstand our own and others’ discomfort when we people-please less often.

However, we often stumble when we focus solely on building the skill of saying no. Things get easier and more interesting when we learn to say NO in conjunction with saying YES. If we pay attention, No shines light on what we’re saying Yes to.

William Ury offers a simple, potent frame of Yes! No. Yes? in his book The Power of a Positive No (link below). It’s a terrific book, yet the primary audience is those with a corporate or global lens, so I want to lift this specific practice for a different audience.

After practicing the frame myself for the last year or so, plus introducing the idea to many clients, I’m experiencing that Yes! No. Yes? is impactful, and it transfers easily across contexts simpler in scope.

I’ll explain the practice in brief form and offer a few examples that give you the gist fast, setting you up to experiment with it in your own life right away. Read Ury’s books if you want to go deeper.

First, think of small decision-making moments—responding to questions others ask on a regular basis, like:

  • Would you like some ice cream?

  • Can you make it to the track meet on Saturday?

  • Do you want to buy [X]?

And also, consider larger choices, ones which alter the trajectory of lives:

  • Are you interested in this new job opportunity?

  • Do you want to move and live in a new location for the next several years?

  • Should our organization merge with theirs?

For most, when we feel some kind of resistance—No energy—we struggle to offer a simple “No” because it feels curt and potentially harmful to one or more relationships we value. We believe we owe an explanation, and we have a hard time with Anne Lamott’s wisdom, “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.”

Enter Ury’s invitation.

Step one: Begin by naming your Yes! in conjunction with your No.

What is the yes behind your no? What is it that you’re committed to in the background? Reinforce this for yourself and others by naming it. For instance:

  • Can you make it to the track meet on Saturday?

    • My mom and I are having lunch together that day, and I won’t make it to the meet.

  • Do you want to buy my car?

    • I’m saving for an electric bike, so no thanks.

  • Are you interested in this new job opportunity?

    • I’m committed to the people and work I’m doing right now, so no; I’m not interested at this time.

For me and for others, this discernment has been clarifying, empowering, and energizing. There’s claiming energy in it. Besides emphasizing the Yes, the No is clear—not skipped or implied.

Step two: Include a Yes?

If you are applying this frame within a relationship you want to foster, offer an alternative invitation that is truly in alignment with what you want—not an empty promise or way to soften your No.


For example, building on the above:

  • My mom and I are having lunch together that day, and I won’t make it to the track meet. Would it work for me to come to the first two hours of the one next Saturday?

  • I’m saving for an electric bike, so no thanks. Do you want help thinking of other who may be interested?

  • I’m committed to the people and work I’m doing right now, so no; I’m not interested at this time. May I reach out to you in the future if things change?

Life is full of invitations, opportunities and requests. And, as author Oliver Burkeman reminds us, we’ll say no to 99.99 percent of life’s options and yes to a precious few. See the link below to hear his fabulous, brief reframe of FOMO to JOMO - the JOY of Missing Out.

Knowing the Yes! that drives our No. brings joy in a way that a simple “No” does not. Discerning what a new invitation might look like, grounded in integrity, brings us to our heart’s desire, one choice at a time. I hope you feel inspired to give this simple practice a try, and I’m always happy to hear your experiences and reactions.

Helpful Links

Cyndi GueswelConscious Leadership Group